i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
