Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize