you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
