he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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