Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
