I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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