I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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