Will you blow on my dice?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
