So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
