I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
