I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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