there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
