remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
