hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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