im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
