you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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