dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
