I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
