Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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