Plan B is the new Plan A
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
