My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
