come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
