We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
