i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this just has baby written all over it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
