We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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