bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
