Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
