Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
