some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
