How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
