i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
