Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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