This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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