On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize