Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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