During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
