Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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