Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize