just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
