Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Houston, we have a blender
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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