allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
