You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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