just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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