I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
