Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
