Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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