I wish I could punch you in the face.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The Olympian is in my bed
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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