I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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