I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
