is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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