did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I touched a dick in church today
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize