hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize