Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
