y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
