Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
