Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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