last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
