I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
