I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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