Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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