is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
